This American Life

Ok, forgive me if I come across as whiny, but…when did someone decide that in order to be considered successful one had to kill themselves working just to scrape by? I mean, how many people are actually ok with this much less happy with it? Does there come a point when people just accept it as how life is? Or are they taught not to expect anything more? And with our economy in the dumps when has it become more apparent that this system simply doesn’t work? I work 50 hours a week. On average I get 5-6 hours of sleep a night. A study reported that getting less than 8 hours actually means you’re killing yourself. Oh great. So if the stress doesn’t kill me, the lack of sleep will? Wonderful. I wonder why more people just don’t kill themselves right after they graduate college and save themselves 40-50 years of misery. I’ve gained 40lbs in the last 2 years. It’s the first time I’m really worried about my weight. I know it’s because I don’t move. I live out of my car and I eat out all the time. I know that the particular situation I’m in is a bad factor but I also know I’m not the only one who’s fallen victim. We have the most obese people in the world. I cannot believe that it’s because every one of those people are lazy slobs. As a nation, we only promote exercise (and diet) when we’re selling something. Is it a coincidence that healthier food is more expensive? I think not. If you don’t want to consume preservatives, you better pay up! It’s such an easy thing to fall into. Eat fast food! It’s nice and cheap! Now pay that gym membership to lose all the weight you just gained from it! Whatever money you have left pump into your SUV to keep you from walking anywhere and to keep you in this cycle.

We’ve become so ADHD and impatient in such a short time. We like to drive because we don’t have the time for any other way. We have too much other stuff to do. Only so many hours to enjoy after you get home from work. Now forget about even that if you’re married with kids. When we’re not running around like headless chickens we’re zoned into a screen (tv, monitor, silver) telling us what we need to buy to be happier, look younger, live easier. How ironic is it that after a commercial from McDonald’s we see the sticks (aka the height of beauty) parading around America’s Next Top Model? And before we know it half of our lives are spent before we finally open our eyes (the mid-life crisis). What the hell just happened? How did I get here? This isn’t how I envisioned life would be. I’m tired of people telling me to just shut up and do what I “need” to do. Sign up to a gym, count my calories and stop enjoying food, become a penny pincher, and oh yea be damn grateful I have a job at all.

But if I’ve ever been anything I’ve been a non-conformist. I’ve only lived this subscribed life for 15 months and I already want to wash my hands of it. Why can’t I just live a healthy life (mentally & physically) and not have to go out of my way to do so? It seems so counter intuitive! Ireland may not be anywhere close to this “great, best country” of the world but in my 4 months there I was smacked with a revelation. I didn’t need to stress and be swamped with anxiety in order to be productive. With a much smaller grocery store with only the essentials and preservative-free food I lost 10lbs. AND I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY! Without a car, I didn’t walk any more than I had at MICA. Sure I went set-dancing once a week but slaving away on a treadmill it was not. Why is that such an antithesis to our way of doing things?

We really are the Nation of Consumption. And the worst part of it is the rest of the world thinks this is our choice. That we’re perfectly happy living this way. And we’re ridiculed for it. I refuse to believe I’m the only person who thinks about this, who’s been sucked into the vortex. Think what you will, judge as you will, but I feel trapped. I want to move now. Defer my loans, live as a poor student again and rely on my feet as my transportation. I want to dance for free, do yoga for free, enjoy life without a bloody dollar sign in front of it. How can we put a price on everything? How can we live with ourselves knowing that we’re obsessed with money, chasing that status of the worshipped celebrity? How can we tell our children that everything’s possible in America when 90% of them will see a mediocre paycheck and have to live paycheck-to-paycheck for the whole of their lives? Don’t tell me that, “Hey it’s better than a third world country, would you prefer that?” Well, let me ask you something: Say you’re a charity worker. In the last year you’ve served a week providing disaster relief in New Orleans and given a few pints of blood. Sure that’s hell of a lot more than most people do in their lifetime, but wouldn’t you want to try to work your hardest to provide as much help as you could? In other words, sure, other people have it worse but does that mean it’s ok to settle? To be great instead of fantastic? To be ok with not being the best we can be? Until we stop living to work and start actually making living a way of life we have not done enough. We are not good enough. And we need to push farther to progress. Now the only thing left is for us to snap out of our American Idol Wendy’s haze and realize it.

Bisexuals on Elliot in the Morning

Hello and good morning.

I'm listening to Elliot in the Morning right now and they were just interviewing some guy named Jim. I was tuning in and out until I heard "bisexual" and then I turned up the radio. They were talking about the hypotheticals of it. I wish I know how it came up but I digress.

A few things were said. I think it was Jim who said "It would be ok if I had a bi girlfriend and she dated other women at the same time as me". At one point a guy called up and said that if a guy likes penis at all then he's gay. period. Yet another guy said HELL YEA he'd support a bi girlfriend as long as she let him watch! THEN another guy called up, said he was bi and that his wife of 5 1/2 years was experimental (even though he had mentioned they were mutually exclusive), but that when they went out to bars they went ahead and made out with/fondled other people. Diane and Tyler both at this point said that they could NOT date a bisexual person whatsoever. While I didn't agree with him completely, I feel Elliot came close to how I feel about the subject. He wanted to treat bisexual women and men the same (as in if it's ok for a woman to date other women, then it should be ok for men to date other men at the same time, etc etc) And I feel he recognized that yes, bisexual people can be exclusive, too. Diane voiced a concern that "wouldn't they miss it after awhile...? that would always be in the back of my mind".

Here's where I'm naive once again. Here's where I have forgotten for a little while that yea, bisexuals are still shrouded in mystery in the eye of the general public and therefore widely misunderstood. Here's where I've forgotten that bisexual still has a HUGE stigma attached. Because frankly, the general public, gay AND straight, cannot see anything but black and white.

I am bisexual. I realized it when I was 15 and it has been a part of my conscious identity for almost a decade now. I am not a lesbian in denial. I am not "experimenting". I do not make out with girls to get boys off. That, quite frankly, disgusts me because it is anti-feminist and also gives us bis a bad name. Here's what I think. I think that no matter what sexuality you are, if you're going to decide to date someone and get into a relationship, you should be mutually exclusive. That's just how I feel a relationship can be at its healthiest. When I date someone, guy or girl, I want to date only them. I don't want to see anyone else and I don't want them to see anyone else. I am offended and a little confused as to why someone would say outright that they could not date a bisexual person. If a person likes you, they like you. What does their sexuality matter? Could you say that outright about a race? a culture? an age? a specific faith? I'm sure we all have our ideas about who we don't think we'd be able to date for one discrepancy or another. But I do think that if you met someone that you really hit it off with, had great chemisty with and who all-around turned your world upside-down, then you won't see the colour of their skin, their faith won't automatically turn you away and their sexuality wouldn't matter. Of course there are exceptions to the rule (i.e. if you're 30, you should not date a 17 yr old), but you get my point. Well, I hope.

Another thing I can't stand is the effin double standard. Oh it's hot for a girl to be bi 'cause that means she'll make out with girls for me, the boyfriend. Um, yea, she's not bi, she's just doing that to please you. Don't dirty up the name please. Oh a boy can't be bi, he's gay...oh yea, and that's disgusting. I mean really? really? Have we not evolved over the last how many centuries? Back in the Victorian era, men let their women kiss and touch eachother because they figured they were "practicing" to be better at it with men. The very thought that the women might be attracted to eachother or even haha, it's so laughable, have FEELINGS for one another, did not cross their minds at all. It amazes me how most guys today are still under that illusion. At a roof party some years ago I was talking with two men after they saw me make out with a girl. They couldn't grasp how two women could have sex (oh wait, and ENJOY it) without a penis of some sort involved. How ego-centric. And naive. And oh yea, single-mindedly boring (because it speaks as to how many different ways they make love with THEIR women). I tried to tell them that ya know, we somehow figure it out but they still didn't get it.

I'm just so glad that I bought the book "Bi Any Other Name" because for a while I fell into the same trap of confusion. I was always trying to identify myself, always trying to put myself in a category that people would better understand (by saying, for example, that I WOULD be a lesbian if it were not for my few attractions to men now and again). I didn't like the stigma that "bisexual" carried and so didn't want it attached to me. I even started to RESENT my attraction to men and wish I didn't have it, 'cause then I COULD call myself a lesbian and there wouldn't be any question, any grey area to sift through. I started just talking about the Kinsey scale ("0 is completely straight, 6 is completely gay, and Iiii happen to be about a 4.5, 5") because I thought, since it was a scale, it would give them a much better idea. "Bi Any Other Name" has helped me to realize that I don't have to be afraid of calling myself a bisexual. That I don't have to constantly justify it all the time, because that's what I am. People can come up with their own conclusions when they see how I act. Or they can continue asking me questions. Whatever. Sure, there are periods where I more want a girl than a guy, or a guy than a girl. But if I dated a girl, that doesn't make me a lesbian, just as dating a man doesn't make me straight. I will always be attracted to both. I don't know which gender I'll marry, because I haven't met who I'm spending the rest of my life with yet. I'm confident that when I do I won't be worried about "missing out on the other" because he/she will be all that I'll ever need.

There's so much more I could say but I'm at work and therefore should get back to doing some. I just had to have a little of my say this morning. I'm even thinking of e-mailing Elliot about it.
I can only hope that whatever constructs my identity (white, female, bisexual, artist, Democrat, etc) that I will live my life well and try to be as good a person as I can so that people will get a more positive idea of whichever part of my identity they had a previous negative inclination towards. I know that I fail all of the time. But I will continue to strive. On this issue particularly, since I am the most passionate about it, I hope to, if not change minds, then at least get a lot of people over the course of my life to at least think a little differently. Because all an idea needs is a seed of change in order to be able to evolve and grow.

Go Obama go! Go Obama go!

Viva la vida

Empty walls

Remember

On love, in sadness

No leaf clover

Incomplete

Come away with me

Anything goes

If I fell

Right through you

Ev’ry time we say goodbye

Numb

Excuse me Mr.

Kiss me deadly

Enter from the East

Schism

Zadok the priest

Tear drop

Hot ‘n cold

Erotic mystics

Lacrymosa

You take my breath away

Icky thump

It's my name! Spelled out with song titles! ...woo!

Ok, well I thought it was fun.

Watching Colbert and Stewart on Indecision 2008!! So funny. Would love to be in that audience right now.

Is this depression? You tell me.

Over at least the last few months, about once a week or so, an overwhelming feeling of being trapped will take over me. It’ll seemingly come out of nowhere- this thinking about my situation in life- and my breathing will shorten. I’ll want to hyperventilate and I’ll relapse into despair. I’ll actually imagine that there are four great walls closing in on me and I’ll imagine myself curling up in a fetal position to try to stave off the inevitability of them crushing me. It usually happens on Sunday nights, as I think about and dread the fact that I have to get up early and go to work the next morning.

On one hand, yes, I’m grateful for having a job, even more grateful for having enough money to pay off my obscene amount of bills, save a little bit and actually have something left over to enjoy myself with. But on the other massive hand I’m wasting 50 hours of my life every week, losing way too much sleep and watching my mental, physical and emotional health deteriorate. What does time mean anymore? These last 14 months have been a blur. How can I treasure every moment when I’m in a hazy stupor? The close friends that have managed to hold on here in Maryland I feel I cling to with such desperation that I’m driving them away.

No I’m not married. No I don’t have kids. No I don’t own a house. Or apparently have any other “real” responsibilities. So if I feel this way now why the hell would I ever want any of those other things? I’m choking on the lack of free time to myself. I take photos, but then don’t have time to do anything with them. I’ll draw a picture and then run out of energy to finish colouring it. I’ll start a diet/exercise regime and then become too exhausted to think about anything else but sleep. No wonder I’m applying to grad school. I need to escape this monotonous hell! It’s the same cycle every day, every week, every month. Wake up after 4-6 hours of sleep, work, come home and collapse, eat, go back to sleep. Repeat. My tasks at work have become familiar enough it doesn’t require that much concentration anymore. In school there would be a progression. Now there’s no difference between this year and last. No identifying factors, except maybe a few extra pounds, slightly bigger bags under my eyes and an increased feeling of absolute helplessness.

I want to cry. all. the time.

And yet I don’t. So I’ll burst out at the most random moments. After a meaningless heated political debate, after a thoughtless insult to my body, after the most oblivious and tiniest of rejections.

But even then it’s not enough. One 5-minute session of crying won’t release all the anxiety I feel on a daily basis. I’d have to cry for a week.

The worst part of all is I’m terrified to tell anyone. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m emo or just plain too depressing to be around. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m pathetic or naïve for not accepting this simply is how life is, so why aren’t you dealing with it? I’m afraid they’ll become afraid of me wanting too much from them, that I’ll just end up creeping them out and they won’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I’m terrified of being alone. I’m terrified I’m already alone.

I’ve told my roommate a number of times, when on the topic of romance, that all I really want right now, all I really desperately crave is touch. But what I’ve never really been able to convey to her is that what I’m really talking about is so much more than wanting a lover. I don’t really need a relationship right now. I don’t need a lover or anyone really to dote on. But if someone could just hold me, let me escape into their embrace, let me just rest, even for a moment, next to the warmth of their beating heart. Let me be reassured that it will all turn out ok, that one day I’ll be happy, that I’m not alone in this. I’ll be the most content soul on Earth. One night of that and, I’m convinced, it’ll be like I’m reborn. I’d be completely recharged and I’d be able to take on the world. So right now when I talk of wishing that I had someone, really that’s what I’m talking about. Touch isn’t my love language, as Elliott so puts it, it’s my life language. Touch is a reminder that we’re all connected… but that’s a topic for another day and another blog.

The painful thing is I had a taste of it just the other night. My friends and I were hanging out at a bar the other night and I, in my uninhibited not-so-sober state, pulled one over just to be close to him. I laid my head against his chest and in that I instant I swear I haven’t been that comfortable in years. I was so. tired., and not just physically. I didn’t even realize I was so tense until I relaxed against him. Or that I wasn’t that warm before he was there next to me. But how could he know any of this? How could he know that I didn’t mean anything romantic? that all I wanted from him was proximity? that I didn’t care we were in a public space, all I needed was for him to just. stay. All he knew was that I looked like I was about to fall asleep, and he needed me awake to drive him back. (This was before it was decided I wasn’t capable.)

After 14 months in this life I could understand how people become addicted. Addicted to caffeine, addicted to alcohol, addicted to each other. Any means of escape, of comfort, of reassurance, is priceless. And maybe I am naïve. Maybe I am idealistic for wanting a life that doesn’t involve back-breaking stress to make it meaningful and successful. I’d rather be considered an optimistic fool then give in and settle. I’d rather fight, and, yes, put up with this crippling misery, than accept this- what I can only see as a most certain death.

effin real world can suck it

Ok, this sucks.

Let's recap shall we?


I've gained 40lbs over the last 2 years. I work 50+ hours a week. I want to sleep all. the time. I drive everywhere, which means I don't walk anywhere. I eat out at least 4 times a week. I don't have the time, energy, or money that I really need and WANT to devote to any kind of artwork. Or to exercise. Oh yea. And I'm single. Woo!

I don't hang out with nearly as many people as I did at MICA and when my best friend decides he wants to hang out with me we see each other about once a month if we're lucky. My self-confidence is shattered. I feel like my life is stagnant and very often I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm trapped and I want to hyperventilate and hide in bed.

I want to completely change my life around but don't know how. I'd love to dance/ do yoga every day, work no more than 4-6 hours a day and make more than enough to live on, live generally a lot healthier than I do now and therefore just be a lot happier. But I feel like that's an unrealistic dream.


Speaking of being unrealistic.

I am so. starved. for touch. Not sexually. Not romantically. I actually don't think I'd be very good in a relationship right now. But god do I just want touch! A hug here or there, a hand on my shoulder, linking arms, I'm not picky! Apparently what I didn't realize is that when you "become an adult" the only people you're allowed to touch are your lovers. At least if you don't want them freaking out or wondering if you wanna get into their pants. That's so frustrating! I'm such a touch oriented person! It makes me want to cry! And no one seems to really get it. I talk about how I don't feel like I can be myself anymore. That what I've come to believe is that part of being an adult is just slowly going numb and restricting every innocent/happy/outgoing/loving urge until I basically shut down. And what I've been told is that this is not not being myself but just growing up. Well then fuck I don't want to be an adult thankyouverymuch! I mean ew! No wonder we have a horrible time staying faithful. How much pressure is it to have your lover being the ONLY person you're allowed to touch/open up to/be yourself with/make yourself vulnerable to? Gahh! And no one else I have talked to about this seems to agree with me. They all think that once a really close friend of mine gets into a relationship I shouldn't get upset that all of a sudden they don't want to spend nearly as much time with me or that I'm not allowed to even put my hand on their arm. No one seems to believe me but I am not going to do that. I don't even know if people would even appreciate the effort, but I swear to you I will make damn sure that when I get into a relationship and fall in love, I won't abandon my friends or change how I am with them. And if anybody has a problem with it, they can suck it.

And then there's my best friend. Am I in love with him? who knows. Am I afraid that we'll slowly grow apart and not see each other anywhere? definitely. I care about him so much, I just don't want to lose him. Yet because I'm so afraid that that will happen I feel like I'm pushing him away. I'm soooo self-conscious around him now. I don't need to be I know that! I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I've never been like this with him before. I can't help it, it's just what happens! I have no clue if he notices it or that if he does if it freaks him out. I've finally realized (though I want to fight it all the way) that he's just not interested in me that way. and probably never was. I mean it flabbergasts me, but I guess it happens. But that's not even that important. I just really really want to stay as close to him as I can for as long as I can. Ideally I'd want us to be a part of each other's lives for the rest of our lives. I just hope he wants the same thing. Or at least isn't horrified at the idea. I almost wish I'd find someone else to date so I can finally relax around him and he doesn't need to worry about my feelings for him (which he is fully aware of 'cause I've told him. twice.) I'm so afraid that he'll just freak out, get fed up with me, and then ask that I leave him alone. Why am I so afraid that will happen? Ahhh. I don't understaaaand. Why did I have to "fall in love" with him? Why did I tell him?? If that didn't happen, we'd be fine. I could still be completely myself with him and we'd both be completely relaxed. I mean, he's my person. For 5 years he's been the one person I could be completely myself around. And he felt the same way. And we've been best friends for so long we have little niches. Little habits we fall into when we hang out. And I absolutely love it. Which makes me more afraid to lose it.

Uugghh I really need to stop being such a girl. And stop overthinking it. But when you're at work all day there's nothing else to think about but life.

Speaking of which, I should probably start doing some work. Please, do me a favor and leave some thoughts. I'd love to know if anyone out in the ether can relate.

to make you believe

Is there any way I can tell you I wasn't using you without making you want to run away? That I do care about you, that it did mean something? That I'm glad for every moment we have together because most of the time I'm perplexed by the fact that we're friends? Our friendship is a mystery to me but that's what makes it intriguing.

Thou shalt

I find myself in a room surrounded
by two dozen worshipers
the loudest voice also strums guitar
while they all sing off-key
white words on a blue screen

like every time, I encounter
some confusion as to how I got here
or most importantly why
bible-toting obviously here only
for discussion and not for praise

proverbial fish out of the holy water

I've become

I've become thick
my hair becomes fresh cut grass
so you don't notice

I've become sick
my gaze finds young love shameless
so I roll my eyes

I've become wicked
my hand brushes wedding band
so quickens my heart

I've become ticked
my voice tastes the bitterness
so seeps from my skin

I've become hypocrite
my lonely feet care not where
so go they to anywhere

WIP

Not a day goes by without a thought of you
and my heart does a dance of fluttering, too
with a partner of affection so deep and true
but no, I'm not in love with you

My nostalgia saves snippets of your voice
to remind my memory that it has no choice
she will always waltz in when I'm about to rejoice
because no, I'm not in love with you

Even at night I cannot escape
more bittersweet than when I'm awake
I become so overjoyed that everything aches
no way can I be in love with you

My only wish is for you to see
how much that you truly mean to me
even if there's no chance that we will be
of course I'm not in love with you

We were so close as close as friends could get
so many memories I will never forget
I try so hard now that we don't regret
there was no time to be in love with you

Sick

I wish I could not eat and get away with it.
I wish I didn't love to eat so much.
I wish that what I love to eat didn't happen to be exactly what you shouldn't.
I wish I could drop 50lbs and not hate every living minute of it.
I wish that my self-image didn't plummet almost as soon as I entered this house.
I wish that the thin, fabulous image I have of myself in my head matched reality.
I wish I didn't fall right into the stereotype of wanting to look just like they do on the screen.
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating. Period.
I wish I could do yoga every day to give me clarity and peace of mind with a strong, flexible body with which to go on adventures in.
I wish I could dance every day so that I smiled a lot more and worried a lot less.
I wish I could sing and not by myself and have something to sing about.
I wish that not every day was such a struggle to get through.
And I wish.
that I could remember.
the bright, ambitious person I was.
before the spiral down.

a year gone by

So. I’m finally typing out my thoughts. There are so many. And I never actually write them down. And I never actually say them out loud either. Well, sometimes I do. I need to start making the time. I need to start making the time for a lot of things. But I do think I am actually getting there. A lot more slowly than I thought I would, but I’m happy it’s at least moving. Don’t ask me what “it” is because I don’t know myself.

What is on my mind?

Him.

Grad school.

The house.

Work.

Lack of art work.

Unhappiness?

Job?

Gosh, I could write a novel just with two of those topics.

Why is it that when I actually sit down to write out my thoughts I actually can’t think of anything to put down?

That’s probably why I don’t write.

Well, I’m obsessed with relationships, let’s just start with Him shall we? I need to stop talking about him so much, cause I really don’t want people to think (or anymore if they already do) that I’m obsessed. I don’t know what it is. I love him so very much. Or is it just a deep fondness? Intense affection maybe? Who knows. Whatever it is, it runs deep and strong. And no matter how many times I say I’m over it…when we meet up again, the walls around my heart melt and we dust off our relationship and watch it grow even more. I do have to say that letting go of trying to be romantic with him has allowed me to really see that our relationship has matured. We actually talk now. Not that we have a lot to say to one another, but it’s revealed more of who he really is to me than before. I do miss chilling with him almost every night on his couch and just being with him, but the current reality is much different now. And I think that was the most important thing I had to accept out of everything. Our college ways couldn’t be anymore, because we’re simply not in college anymore. I can’t believe it’s taken an entire year to get to this point! So now we have a real world working relationship. And it’s great! We see eachother about once a month, which is a lot less than I wanted in the beginning, but now I’m so grateful for because it’s a lot in relative to the adult world. She makes it hard. Every time he mentions her name is like a little sting to my throat. I have to choke down a swallow and cover it with a smile and a nod. And he mentions her a lot. Besides work, she’s all that he has going on in his life right now. I find that a bit sad, but no one’s life is perfect in this stage. And I think I finally realized I need the patience to get through it. And the strength to be selfless and think of his best interests as opposed to my own. I also think I’ve been in a bit of denial about how lonely I probably really am. There’s how I act around him of course, and I’m not sure how much of that would change even if I did get a significant other, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to think a lot of people are attractive. And I just wanna kiss everybody. And I just want to feel a human touch every second of every day, no matter how slight, or seemingly insignificant. My favourite moment when I met up with him the other day was when I reached back and he grabbed hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze. It seemed so loving and it caught me off guard with its innocence I suppose…I don’t even know, but it lasted no more than a few seconds and yet had such a profound affect. The only thing that saddens the memory is the idea that …I don’t know. Would he have done it at all if he didn’t think about it? Doesn’t it make it so much better if he didn’t and it was just natural and at ease? I mean, we always claimed that was our foundation for what we have. That we don’t worry and overthink how affectionate we are with eachother. I guess that’s the hardest thing to let go of really, the fact that he probably has never thought of me more than a friend. But even as I write that, every fiber of it tells me that that’s wrong. And at this point I’ve learned I should listen to my instincts. BUT, no matter what, the reality is he’s taken. For 3 years and running. And it’s not ending soon and I will not be the cause for the end of it. The truth is I need to find someone else to focus on and to look for for that attention or I’ll just go crazy. It’s like my heart breaks every time I think about it and at this point I don’t really know WHY! And it FRUSTRATES me! Why do I still fantasize? Why can I not just let it go?? Because there’s nothing else even CLOSE to what I have with him in my life? I guess that’s pretty close, but how agonizing is it that he’s also got her? He doesn’t need me as much as I do him. And that’s just not a good balance. I need to find someone that’ll make me their number one. And to make the effort for me. Without provocation or any sort of hinting push. I love that I bug him when I can to meet up and that he’s really grateful for that, but the fact of the matter is I need that for me, too.

I keep thinking about my own funeral or horribly hurt hospital room and how people will think about how much they’ve taken me for granted. How do I stop that? It’s so morbid! I don’t want to die. I don’t want anyone else to die. I just want to know I’m appreciated. This might be the most unsure I’ve been in my life! Rachel lets me know she appreciates me and that’s really great. I should reciprocate. And soon. Oh dear, I’m tired and it’s almost 12:30. And I don’t want to get up and go to work tomorrow. But it pays the bills and I have no choice. How I dream about being debt-free and being free and able to do whatever I want and actually explore my art and who I really am. I feel like it’s a luxury of youth that has been stolen from me.

Post-Modern Dream

I don’t even know how to piece this together but I was in a post-modern world where kids go to hang out on different planets and they can either fly or take trains. The train station in my town was in this huge mansion, where the platforms were in different rooms. When I was headed to Neptune I asked which train I should take and this stocky guy with really big hands who had a bear daemon (like Golden Compass) asked me wearily where mine was and I told him it had died in a terrible accident. For some reason it wasn’t a good idea to reveal that I was human. Before that I had hung out with Elliott and friends. He was being physically comfortable with me so it lessened the worry tremendously about meeting his gf, who was still sorta Aly in this dream. The memory gets a bit choppy here but there was a movie we projected on the screen as a relaxed way to hang out. But the 2^nd one was just archival footage on China so people got bored and left. I don’t remember what the first one was about. One of the craziest/ unnerving things I saw in the dream is that instead of the sun being able to shine anymore, there was this huge solar panel that orbited around the Earth collecting the rays so that we didn’t freeze up as a planet. It was going really fast and it made me nervous, like it would crash into something or come falling down into Earth at any moment. One of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had I must say! I wonder if it’s from the antibiotics?

Unrequited

Gosh I don’t even know where to start. I have so many of these thoughts running cycles in my head that it’s weird to be putting them out on non-paper.

You. Have you become a friend that I just can’t quite let go or an obsession? Your image surrounds me and is a daily reminder of how we lost what we had. I thought it was too good to leave behind but now I look back and wonder how much you even contributed then. I had so many lazy friends. The ones closest to me seemed to be the best at it. Ones that would take my phone calls, meet me when I wanted to be with them or just didn’t want to be alone, and would listen if I happened to be the only one in the room. But I think that’s very unfair. It seems that the kinds of best-friendships I want are those that resemble that of lovers. So…are you not trying hard enough or am I expecting way too much? That’s the question. One day I think that all you care about is her and she’s the only one that deserves your attention and to be appeased, while other days I think that because you work 15 hours every day during the week, you don’t have the energy to focus on anything but her. And I can understand that. But it doesn’t hurt any less.

Every time I think about you just a little too long and a little too deeply, my heart actually aches. I’m convinced there are liters of tears behind my eyes still needed to be cried over you. And the funny thing is that every time I’ve brought it up with you you’ve been nothing but reassuring…so is it all in my head? This growing distance between us? Is it only because, that instead of meeting up with you once a week like I had naively thought possible half a year ago, that now it’s a miracle if we even talk once a month? I think part of what I’m tired of is this feeling that you’re ashamed of me. You can’t mention anything about me to her or she’ll blow up, I can’t see you at work because you’re not sure if it’s ok. This quiet disappointment may not be as violent as an explosion of words, but what you don’t understand is that the raging torrent is within my mind. I’m just trying to keep alive this dying flame that used to be so strong. I love you. I love you so much. And it hurts just as equally. Does it hurt you at all? Do you ever think back to all the memories? The 4 years?? That’s part of what makes me so angry. I knew you first goddamit. I’ve known you twice as long. But because we’re not sleeping together I’m twice as easy to forget. Guess that comes with the territory of being friends with mostly men. Auughh. What makes it worse is that every time I talk to you on the phone I feel crazy for being upset with you at all. You’re so reassuring I doubt myself. Which I haven’t realized until now is a form of manipulation. But I don’t think you even mean it. It’s just been this defense you’ve gotten used to using with people you love to supposedly keep them happy.

And now you may’ve lied over some STUPID facebook issue. I mean, if you’re going to lie to me about something for the first time since we’ve known eachother…WHY SOMETHING ON FACEBOOK? It’s ridiculous. And you TOLD me you’d be better about dealing with it. How’m I supposed to trust you if you start lying to me? We don’t SEE eachother enough now for me to be a threat. That’s another thing. You told me almost a year ago that you didn’t care for me more than a friend. And yet you lie to her about me. Is it really only because she is convinced I’ll steal you away if you and I are in the same room together? Or is there something more? Do you, somewhere way, way back in your mind, think that maybe something could happen between us? I mean, we were in a loving relationship. The only difference between what you have with her and what you have with me is sex. I’d rather have the fact that you’ve always felt you could be completely honest with me and not her. Yet she’s the one you’re in love with. I love you, which means, as much as it may pain me, that no matter what you do or who you do it with, I want you to be happy, even if it means you’re 3,000 miles away or we don’t speak to each other for months at a time. I want for you to be safe and healthy, preferably all three at once! I know you don’t want to do the long-distance thing anymore but you’re pretty much still doing it! The only difference now is that you’re completely exhausted from commuting 6 hours a day and working 10 or 11 more. How is your body, let alone your mind, dealing with that??