Thou shalt

I find myself in a room surrounded
by two dozen worshipers
the loudest voice also strums guitar
while they all sing off-key
white words on a blue screen

like every time, I encounter
some confusion as to how I got here
or most importantly why
bible-toting obviously here only
for discussion and not for praise

proverbial fish out of the holy water

I've become

I've become thick
my hair becomes fresh cut grass
so you don't notice

I've become sick
my gaze finds young love shameless
so I roll my eyes

I've become wicked
my hand brushes wedding band
so quickens my heart

I've become ticked
my voice tastes the bitterness
so seeps from my skin

I've become hypocrite
my lonely feet care not where
so go they to anywhere

WIP

Not a day goes by without a thought of you
and my heart does a dance of fluttering, too
with a partner of affection so deep and true
but no, I'm not in love with you

My nostalgia saves snippets of your voice
to remind my memory that it has no choice
she will always waltz in when I'm about to rejoice
because no, I'm not in love with you

Even at night I cannot escape
more bittersweet than when I'm awake
I become so overjoyed that everything aches
no way can I be in love with you

My only wish is for you to see
how much that you truly mean to me
even if there's no chance that we will be
of course I'm not in love with you

We were so close as close as friends could get
so many memories I will never forget
I try so hard now that we don't regret
there was no time to be in love with you

Sick

I wish I could not eat and get away with it.
I wish I didn't love to eat so much.
I wish that what I love to eat didn't happen to be exactly what you shouldn't.
I wish I could drop 50lbs and not hate every living minute of it.
I wish that my self-image didn't plummet almost as soon as I entered this house.
I wish that the thin, fabulous image I have of myself in my head matched reality.
I wish I didn't fall right into the stereotype of wanting to look just like they do on the screen.
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating. Period.
I wish I could do yoga every day to give me clarity and peace of mind with a strong, flexible body with which to go on adventures in.
I wish I could dance every day so that I smiled a lot more and worried a lot less.
I wish I could sing and not by myself and have something to sing about.
I wish that not every day was such a struggle to get through.
And I wish.
that I could remember.
the bright, ambitious person I was.
before the spiral down.