what numb looks like

One of the people I met up with during my week at home made an observation that struck me as odd. She said that when she looked in my eyes she saw happiness, so I must not be doing too badly. Now this speaks of 1 of two possibilities: either I’ve become so withdrawn that I’ve put on a convincing happy mask that I didn’t even know about or even just a few days away from Maryland and work did more wonders for me than I thought. Or she was projecting and hopeful and so saw what she wanted to see. But I’d rather believe one of the first two. One thing was for sure though: happy I am not.

It seems to me that the higher your expectation out of life, the bigger the disappointment. Because what they don’t tell you is that disappointment is inevitable. Only a fraction, it seems to me, actually get out of life what they set out to. And I’m not so sure I’m part of that select few anymore.

In fact I’m pretty sure this is full throttle depression. I’m finding myself apathetic toward everything. In about 3 weeks or so I won’t be doing any kind of dancing anymore. And instead of feeling incredibly sad I feel relieved. Relieved that soon I won’t have to get up out of this chair to do anything. I won’t be kidding myself with the idea that I’m an Irish dancer. I won’t be throwing hundreds of dollars away on ballroom that, in the end, can’t live up to my expectations. Relieved that I won’t be letting anyone else down anymore.

I signed up to the MICA art market so that I could sell some of my work. Now I’m annoyed with the idea that I have to prepare and follow up in order to actually be there and participate, much less be successful. There’s a film festival that I wanted to enter Denim into, but I don’t even remember when the deadline is.

The point is I’m starting to see it all as pointless. Why try anymore when I’ve been trying for 2 years and nothing has come of it? I’ve worked so hard to juggle work and health and trying to break into becoming a professional artist that I’ve not only burnt my candle at both ends, it’s become a black hole in the process.
The once burning ambition I had at the forefront of all my motives is now a tiny, weak voice in the back of my head that I can hear only on days I feel the least dismal.

I’m so tired of waiting. So tired by the fact that I can’t change the fact that I have to wait.

When does my life begin? Why is this purgatory necessary?

I don’t belong anywhere anymore. If home is where the heart is, I’m currently homeless. Home is currently where most of my stuff is. I don’t belong in Maryland. If I stayed here I’d just continue shriveling up into nothing of a person. The biggest desire to come back was to be able to sleep in my own bed. I don’t really feel like I belong in Hyde Park anymore either. Where I used to live has become intolerable to be in for even more than a few hours, and while my friends were happy to see me, I didn’t feel like it really made any impression on them that I was there. Like if I hadn’t come at all it wouldn’t’ve made a difference. I actually spent the evening of Thanksgiving alone.

Now I understand why people pair off into couples and lose touch with everybody else. In a world where actually caring becomes such a chore, once you find someone that’s actually willing to make an effort for YOUR best interests and wants for YOUR every happiness, I can see where everything and everyone else can pale in comparison. I can see how in that tiny world one can actually relax and be comfortable. Everything else just calls for yet another reason to stress out.

I’m sad that I’ve become this way. I’m sad that, since my primary purpose in this life is to be used, no one has noticed.

Bones in the Morning

I have a bone to pick with older women. Specifically conservative older women. And I don't necessarily mean politically, although the two usually do go together. No, I have a bone to pick with the women who grew up in the society/culture/mentality that "more reserved"="more worthy of respect". Vague, I know, I'll ellaborate.

The most offensive they usually get is when it comes to men (these older women have all been heterosexual). Last night Mrs. S was talking about her friend and neighbor, D, whose daughter moved in with the guy she was dating. I was always under the impression that D was concerend about this because her daughter is only 20, but Mrs. S seems to believe that it's because D's daughter isn't married to this guy. More specifically she said something along the lines of, "mothers are always concerned about their daughters and want the best for them, and feel sad when they go against what they're taught". This immediately set off an alarm in my head.

Now I have to admit that it reminded me of the talks my mother used to give me back in middle school saying, "gotta wait for him to put that ring on your finger!" and blah blah blah. It just seems so antiquated first of all, and second of all, who is anyone to judge or pity someone if they're happy, even if it's different from what they would do? Now, being the devil's advocate I can sometimes be, I asked Mrs. S to explain her statement. Why is it such a concern? Because she's not married to this guy. Why is that such a big deal? Because, Ronni, there's a level of commitment that comes with marriage that doesn't come with just living with someone. Then R piped in with the 'if he gets the milk for free why would he buy the cow' argument, [which I had to try very much not to just simply argue] so then I asked, "Is this about sex? I thought it was about the relationship and commitment?" Then R, whose easily better at debating then her mother, said, "well, if you think of sex as just sex, but if you tie the two together" blah blah blah. So really, for R, it came down to sex. If a man and woman live together, it's assumed they're having sex. And if they are and they're not married, it's a tragedy, because they will most likely break up and the girl's gonna get hurt (the guy was never the subject for concern here). I brought up that marriages also fail, which they know very well, but this didn't seem to have an effect, because it's about preventing as much hurt as possible, apparently. I also said that non-married relationships work out fine a lot of the times, too. They seemed dubious about this. So for Mrs. S it was down to sex, too, but she really couldn't explain herself at all beyond "people should get married first, that's how it should be". And that's my real problem with it. There was no real reason. It was just different than she would do and didn't align with her long list of rules and regulations on how life should be lived, and therefore couldn't possibly work or be valid. Worst yet, she'll judge anyone else who doesn't abide by the same rules.

You can believe all you want, whether you're religious or not, but don't try to control everyone else around you. Don't judge or pity someone if you can't control them. ALSO DON'T BELIEVE SOMETHING WITHOUT HAVING A REALLY GOOD REASON FOR IT. Being raised on the philosophy and thinking "that's just how it should be" is not nearly good enough. How much conviction can you have if you can't back it up with any actual thoughts or feelings on the matter? Come to think of it, doesn't it show VERY poorly on your opinion in general of men? That you ASSUME all they want is sex and if they don't get it they leave and if they get it "without the commitment of marriage" they'll never want to commit/ get married? How many thousands of couples every day prove this wrong? Oh and btw, actually live happily every after? Ugh the whole thing just pisses me off.

We don't know ANYthing about this girl or her partner. They could be the most committed couple in the world. They could just be living together for the convenience of it. They might break up. They might be together until they die. They might get married. They might not.

LIVE AND LET LIVE

JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED

and freaking get with the times already.



The sad thing I just realized is that these women have had the worst experiences with men. I wonder if their opinion would be less fervent if they had better relationships with better guys.

Music & Dance

Since my last blog was so full of frustration, and my life has changed quite a bit since then, I thought I'd put up 2 quotes I found this morning that I really clicked with. I'll put up a more in-depth post when I'm not at work...

"Without music life would be a mistake." -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (I find this very poignant)

"Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it." -Christopher Morley, Kitty Foyle (Ginger Rogers won an Oscar for her role in this movie...and I think this quote is hilarious)

"Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music." -George Bernard Shaw ('cause I love me some sexual innuendo)


Peace! <3

Slept Through My 2nd to Last Dance Class and Other Horror Stories

So this is how my last 12 hours went:

I take a nap in my car every day at lunch when I'm at work. Yesterday two Mexican construction workers from the site next door thought it'd be hilarious to pull up next to my car in their truck and stare and laugh at me. Fucking skeevy much? Who thinks that's effin ok?! This morning this Mexican middle-aged man peetering along in HIS truck thought it'd be a good idea to block me from getting over and look out his window and smile at me. Wow. Is there something on my forehead that says, "Please, only Mexican and black male strangers hit on me, if you don't fit this description ignore that I exist."? I swear it's only those two kind of people that feel the need to harass me. I don't understand it at all. The Mexicans I especially don't understand. They're usually no taller than what? 5'2"? I guess it makes them feel better to make a 5'10" white girl really uncomfartable and pissed off? UGH.

So when I came home from work, I was exhausted from only having 3 hours of sleep (my fault), and instead of going straight to a nap like I usually do I tried to get a bit of work done on my website. Needless to say, didn't get much done. I collapsed into bed at 7 and set my alarm with just enough time to get up, get dressed in my dance clothes to get to class by 9. The alarm went off at 8:15 and apparently, in my decision to snooze for a few minutes, turned off the alarm at the same time. Next thing I knew I was awakened at 10:30 by D's very loud laughing. And I was pissed. I mean dammit I can never get a goddamn break!!

So I decide to hang out with R a bit and putz around on my computer in the living room. We get the idea to look up Sailor Moon on Veoh to reminisce about our silly chilldhoods. Funny stuff. I even tell her about the fact that Zoicite in the original Japanese version was a man, but how they gave him a woman's voice because he was in a relationship with another man and they can't handle gay characters in America (unless, of course, it's something to make fun of) to which Mrs. S pipes "no, that can't be shown to little children I'm sorry". Now, when Mrs. S says "I'm sorry" it means that whatever she's talking about disgusts her and makes her angry. Thus, she's not sorry at all. So what was a pleasant moment was soured by homophobia. Thank you Mrs. S. It's like, does she realize who she's talking to when she says shit like that? It's like her talking to a black person and saying "oh no, good white children can't be exposed to black culture on TV mnmm no way"... I mean, are you serious?? Please explain to me what the hell your problem is! If gay children don't grow up with good gay models to look up to, how will they figure out how to have healthy gay relationships? or not to mention, know that there's NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM?! Or how, for that matter, will straight children learn that gay people are no different from them and therefore should be treated with respect?

Anyway, so, I went back to bed at 12:30. And then couldn't fall asleep. You see, my room is the least ventilated in the house. So in the winter it's freezing and in the summer it's hot as hell. And Mrs. S is a penny pincher. So she only puts the heat or a/c on when SHE'S hot or cold, which, because comfort is not a priority, is rare. So the short of it is, I think I may've finally passed out around 3. I think this because I did manage to have a dream where something actually happens between a coworker I have a thing for and myself and I thoroughly enjoyed it before I woke up and found out it wasn't real. I hate sleeping fitfully, not being able to get comfortable, and unable to rest properly to be functional at work or for the few hours I have to myself in the evening. Needless to say, I'm pretty resentful. I've thought about getting a window a/c unit but I can only imagine how that conversation would go. If it's not her idea, you see, then she not only disagrees with you, she makes it seem like something is wrong with you for even suggesting anything. But I can't afford going through the entire summer without getting a good night's rest. I will snap.

In any case, I hop out of bed this morning at 5:40, get dressed and go down to eat my bowl of cereal....to find that the dog shit on the rug in front of the front door. The whole of the downstairs reeks of it. Oh fucking great. My appetite's now gone and the only thing I want to do is leave the house. I'm now at Panera writing this.

Because of living in this house for 2 years, I've realized a few things. When I get a place of my own it will be an icebox in the summer, I will own NO pets...maybe a bird, and if there happen to be any children's shows with gay characters in it, I'll make -sure- my children watches them. SO THERE.

Effin A.

Effin kids

I can't stand whiny children. Their noises get under my skin like nothing else. What's worse is their fucking incompetent parents who let them throw fits/ get away with shit. FUCKING SLAP THEM AND MAKE THEM SHUT UP. Especially if you're in a public place, I mean REALLY. You can do what you want with your spoiled brats when they're at home. Let them whine and tease eachother until someone ends up bloody, but don't make US suffer it. We just want some peace before we go to fucking work and deal with adult children (ie customers). We hear whining all day long, we can't tolerate it BEFORE WE EVEN GET THERE.

Ok, they're finally gone. JESUS. Rant done.

Unwanted dreams that make me breathe for you

So. For the second time in I think a month, I dreamt about you.

I woke up from the first with a bittersweet feeling. You were smiling and happy to see me, and so I knew it wasn’t real. Because as much as I’d like you to be that way with me, you aren’t, and might never be.

This morning I dreamt that we tried again. It’s the first time I’ve dreamt something like that in probably over a year. We were interrupted of course, but that didn’t make me want to stop. And even though it was only a dream, it still surprised me that I was so fervent. It was so…nice. I felt wonderful. And happy. Fulfilled like never before. What the hell? What does it mean?? Should I take it literally? Does it just mean that I miss you? Does it have anything to do with you at all? Well, my dreams have never really left much up to the imagination, ironically enough. What connection is my subconscious holding on to? It doesn’t work between us. As often as we’ve tried. Something just doesn’t quite click together. And yet it seems subconsciously I still very much want it to. It’s frustrating! Yea, I miss you. No, I’m not gonna bother you. I’m not gonna make the same mistake by calling you up and making it feel like I’m using you, as much as that is NOT my intention. This time I’m going to leave you alone.

You wanna know something funny? You’re about the only person left I feel really self-conscious around. Confidence just pfft goes out the window as soon as I see you. I never know quite how to be with you. Which is I guess why I keep failing at it. And keep trying. I’m so stubborn. I hate not getting something right. Or even less, not being good at it. I’ve apologized to you before, and I keep wanting to. Though I suppose it’s pointless. I guess I just don’t know what else to say. I work off so much of what other people want. Doing what makes them happy and comfortable. Because that makes me happy. I’m so uncertain with you because I have no idea what you want. I do know that you’re unhappy. Unsatisfied with your life as a whole. I can’t fix it. Hell, I can’t even help. And therefore I feel helpless. I wish there was something I could do for you. Anything to help. But maybe the best way to help is to leave you alone.

I’m sorry. I wish that these dreams would stop so I wouldn’t keep having the urge to bother you. I wish you happiness. And satisfaction with your life. Maybe one day in the future we’ll figure out how to click.

Breathe in the Spring

So for the first time in probably a long while I'm actually going to post a happy blog!
Yes, that's right folks. Better see the miracle before it disappears!

Anyway, it's just that a lot of things seem to be falling into place for me. And it's about --damn time! I got accepted into the Academy of Art MFA program for Motion Pictures & Television. The head of the dept. actually said he really liked my portfolio! which was nice to hear. I'm already registered for classes and working under the assumption that I'll be attending there, while I send in my application to the National Film and Television School in England and hear what they say. Their deadline is May 14 so I'm hoping I'll hear back by at least the end of June. Keep your fingers crossed for me! If by some miracle (I feel I have less than 40% chance) they accept me, I'll be going there. Either way I think I'll love where I end up!

So I guess it's just nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. Either way, I'll be in school by Jan 2010. And that just makes life a little more tolerable!

Plus spring is almost finally here. The days are much longer and that always makes me so much more happy. Plus, since I'm not allowed to claim overtime or comp time at work anymore, I've been going to Panera every morning an hour or more before work to just drink tea, watch the sun rise, and read. I still avoid heavy traffic, but now I get to relax between!

I'm also getting things finally realized in terms of relationships. I'm finally resolved with the whole L thing, mostly prompted by the fact that the amazing G is in his life. I finally realized I shouldn't be doing certain things with EG because, while good intentioned, it really is too forced and it's not healthy or beneficial to our friendship. GD and I are talking again, and now we're simply friends, and it's simply wonderful. My dad seems to be doing a lot better, seeing as he is a lot more able to help me out financially. My brother seems happier and I really feel the longer I'm away from the house, the happier he gets. Which is fine with me. E and R are getting married, and I'm super happy for them. I'm finally at peace with the fact that she is a lot more suited for him than I can ever be. And I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize really what it is I want out of a relationship. Mostly, what I should expect from the other person. I've been shortchanging myself for so long! Too long. And it's not that I'm going to be more picky, it's that I'm not going to waste my time chasing things that I've delusioned myself into believing are actually there anymore. It's so liberating to know!!

And as silly as it may sound, reading about Fred Astaire's life is inspiring. He's actually refueled the fire of my ambition and my want to succeed and truly attain what I want out of life. He worked so hard and so tirelessly. He did it for himself and not anybody else, but he was at the same time gracious with most people he met. He constantly broke the mold, trying new things, but he wasn't even conscious of it. He was so opposite of vain or self-important. I can only hope to have that much energy throughout life and to have the strength to keep pummeling on, even when times are tough! To not be afraid to try new things, even if others might think them strange. To do what it is that I love and not settle or accept anything less.

So there you go. A pretty big snippet of what's been going on in my head lately.
Life is looking up, people, and I can't wait to show the world what I got!

Call me Forgranted

I'm tired of being forgotten
I'm tired of forgiving you
My name is not Forgranted
So please stop mistaking me

Oh, I'm sorry, that's right
I must be hard to pay attention to
with my clothes on
who knew a friend without benefits
meant without consideration

when I can predict your indiscretion
my ears go deaf to your excuses
I only have two cheeks to turn
you say you're so sorry
but words are only words
when I'm not giving them sex

like any romance between us
did I also make up how good
of a friend you are?
why did it take so many years
to see that you don't see me?

How much are you willing to bet
you don't need me
you've never needed me
and you won't miss me when I'm gone?

When there's a her
there's no need for me
the clarity is stifling
maybe you'll finally listen
when I have nothing
left to say

Gays in the Military

What is wrong with these people? I’m listening to Elliot in the Morning and this army guy just called up asking what Elliot thought about Obama planning on taking away the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. This is some of what he said:

“Well, ya know, if a drill sergeant is openly gay and, ya know, all flamboyant and stuff and calling me ‘silly goose’ or whatever…I couldn’t take him seriously” cause I mean duh, gay = flamboyancy and effeminacy

“And, ya know, what if we were in the shower, I’d just worry about them like, ya know, looking down at me” It’s amazing how these fears haven’t changed in 50+ years.

“With Don’t Ask Don’t Tell I don’t have to worry about it” Well, as long as YOU’RE comfortable, I guess that’s all that matters.

“If he takes that away, then it’ll just cause trouble and it’ll let openly gay, flamboyant guys into the military, when before they wouldn’t get in” Because obviously gay people can’t be disciplined or strong or whatever

“I’m just not comfortable with knowing”

Then this other guy called up who looked at it from a slightly different perspective:

“Once we know, it affects morale”…“that’s the way the military thinks”…“you’re not gonna change the mentality”

“There’s a lot of ego, a lot of testosterone”…“we see it as a weakness”…“we would exploit the weakness”…“I don’t want another distraction in my platoon”… “that’s why they take away your individuality”… “I want as little distractions as possible”

“You don’t want me showering with 80 females...’cause I’m gonna look” Well, it’s different because you didn’t grow up being around women changing and doing that sort of thing. Guys are around each other in locker rooms since they’re really young, so I don’t think it would be any sort of a big deal. Sure, a guy might steal a glance, but I feel they didn’t sign up to the military to get married, they signed up to serve, and they’re not dumb enough to think that just because a policy changes they’re not gonna be careful. It amazes me but people just don’t know how much more aware gay people are of their surroundings and how they “act”. Gay people grow up their entire lives walking on eggshells because of the dangers that are so prevalent. So somehow I don’t think any gay person, guy or girl, who is really “out” is going to go anywhere near the military. I mean it comes down to survival instinct. A fly isn’t going to happily fly into a den of venomous spiders.

Ok, fair enough, you don’t want gay people to be openly gay? Then straight people shouldn’t be openly straight. Don’t talk about wives, girlfriends, looking at that ass, whatever. If you think it would be such a distraction, if you are SO uncomfortable with your own sexuality, if you are NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY INDIVIDUALITY then it’s only fair if you can’t disclose anything about your own self either. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You can only ask of other people what you’re willing to do yourself.

These people think that laws like this being passed will mean that glittery fairies will just take over America and make us a rainbow nation of gayness. But that’s not the case (I mean DUH). The POINT is for EQUALITY. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is DESIGNED to DISCRIMINATE against ONE SPECIFIC group of people. If anything, taking that away will amalgamate all military men EVEN MORE!! And it will raise morale, even if it’s not yours. If these men and women are good enough to FIGHT AND DIE for our country, and to serve alongside you and SAVE your ass if you’re in trouble, then they deserve NOT to be stigmatized, NOT to be discriminated against and NOT to be told they’re not as good or as valuable as their straight counterparts. Hey, you say it’s your mentality to think of anyone non-straight as weak. Well, it looks like to me that YOU need to change YOUR mentality, not for me to be oppressed to make YOU more comfortable. Ignorance is bliss, but it is still ignorance. We cannot expect PROGRESS if we allow ignorance to go on.