What is on my mind?
Him.
Grad school.
The house.
Work.
Lack of art work.
Unhappiness?
Job?
Gosh, I could write a novel just with two of those topics.
Why is it that when I actually sit down to write out my thoughts I actually can’t think of anything to put down?
That’s probably why I don’t write.
Well, I’m obsessed with relationships, let’s just start with Him shall we? I need to stop talking about him so much, cause I really don’t want people to think (or anymore if they already do) that I’m obsessed. I don’t know what it is. I love him so very much. Or is it just a deep fondness? Intense affection maybe? Who knows. Whatever it is, it runs deep and strong. And no matter how many times I say I’m over it…when we meet up again, the walls around my heart melt and we dust off our relationship and watch it grow even more. I do have to say that letting go of trying to be romantic with him has allowed me to really see that our relationship has matured. We actually talk now. Not that we have a lot to say to one another, but it’s revealed more of who he really is to me than before. I do miss chilling with him almost every night on his couch and just being with him, but the current reality is much different now. And I think that was the most important thing I had to accept out of everything. Our college ways couldn’t be anymore, because we’re simply not in college anymore. I can’t believe it’s taken an entire year to get to this point! So now we have a real world working relationship. And it’s great! We see eachother about once a month, which is a lot less than I wanted in the beginning, but now I’m so grateful for because it’s a lot in relative to the adult world. She makes it hard. Every time he mentions her name is like a little sting to my throat. I have to choke down a swallow and cover it with a smile and a nod. And he mentions her a lot. Besides work, she’s all that he has going on in his life right now. I find that a bit sad, but no one’s life is perfect in this stage. And I think I finally realized I need the patience to get through it. And the strength to be selfless and think of his best interests as opposed to my own. I also think I’ve been in a bit of denial about how lonely I probably really am. There’s how I act around him of course, and I’m not sure how much of that would change even if I did get a significant other, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to think a lot of people are attractive. And I just wanna kiss everybody. And I just want to feel a human touch every second of every day, no matter how slight, or seemingly insignificant. My favourite moment when I met up with him the other day was when I reached back and he grabbed hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze. It seemed so loving and it caught me off guard with its innocence I suppose…I don’t even know, but it lasted no more than a few seconds and yet had such a profound affect. The only thing that saddens the memory is the idea that …I don’t know. Would he have done it at all if he didn’t think about it? Doesn’t it make it so much better if he didn’t and it was just natural and at ease? I mean, we always claimed that was our foundation for what we have. That we don’t worry and overthink how affectionate we are with eachother. I guess that’s the hardest thing to let go of really, the fact that he probably has never thought of me more than a friend. But even as I write that, every fiber of it tells me that that’s wrong. And at this point I’ve learned I should listen to my instincts. BUT, no matter what, the reality is he’s taken. For 3 years and running. And it’s not ending soon and I will not be the cause for the end of it. The truth is I need to find someone else to focus on and to look for for that attention or I’ll just go crazy. It’s like my heart breaks every time I think about it and at this point I don’t really know WHY! And it FRUSTRATES me! Why do I still fantasize? Why can I not just let it go?? Because there’s nothing else even CLOSE to what I have with him in my life? I guess that’s pretty close, but how agonizing is it that he’s also got her? He doesn’t need me as much as I do him. And that’s just not a good balance. I need to find someone that’ll make me their number one. And to make the effort for me. Without provocation or any sort of hinting push. I love that I bug him when I can to meet up and that he’s really grateful for that, but the fact of the matter is I need that for me, too.
I keep thinking about my own funeral or horribly hurt hospital room and how people will think about how much they’ve taken me for granted. How do I stop that? It’s so morbid! I don’t want to die. I don’t want anyone else to die. I just want to know I’m appreciated. This might be the most unsure I’ve been in my life! Rachel lets me know she appreciates me and that’s really great. I should reciprocate. And soon. Oh dear, I’m tired and it’s almost 12:30. And I don’t want to get up and go to work tomorrow. But it pays the bills and I have no choice. How I dream about being debt-free and being free and able to do whatever I want and actually explore my art and who I really am. I feel like it’s a luxury of youth that has been stolen from me.
