Unwanted dreams that make me breathe for you

So. For the second time in I think a month, I dreamt about you.

I woke up from the first with a bittersweet feeling. You were smiling and happy to see me, and so I knew it wasn’t real. Because as much as I’d like you to be that way with me, you aren’t, and might never be.

This morning I dreamt that we tried again. It’s the first time I’ve dreamt something like that in probably over a year. We were interrupted of course, but that didn’t make me want to stop. And even though it was only a dream, it still surprised me that I was so fervent. It was so…nice. I felt wonderful. And happy. Fulfilled like never before. What the hell? What does it mean?? Should I take it literally? Does it just mean that I miss you? Does it have anything to do with you at all? Well, my dreams have never really left much up to the imagination, ironically enough. What connection is my subconscious holding on to? It doesn’t work between us. As often as we’ve tried. Something just doesn’t quite click together. And yet it seems subconsciously I still very much want it to. It’s frustrating! Yea, I miss you. No, I’m not gonna bother you. I’m not gonna make the same mistake by calling you up and making it feel like I’m using you, as much as that is NOT my intention. This time I’m going to leave you alone.

You wanna know something funny? You’re about the only person left I feel really self-conscious around. Confidence just pfft goes out the window as soon as I see you. I never know quite how to be with you. Which is I guess why I keep failing at it. And keep trying. I’m so stubborn. I hate not getting something right. Or even less, not being good at it. I’ve apologized to you before, and I keep wanting to. Though I suppose it’s pointless. I guess I just don’t know what else to say. I work off so much of what other people want. Doing what makes them happy and comfortable. Because that makes me happy. I’m so uncertain with you because I have no idea what you want. I do know that you’re unhappy. Unsatisfied with your life as a whole. I can’t fix it. Hell, I can’t even help. And therefore I feel helpless. I wish there was something I could do for you. Anything to help. But maybe the best way to help is to leave you alone.

I’m sorry. I wish that these dreams would stop so I wouldn’t keep having the urge to bother you. I wish you happiness. And satisfaction with your life. Maybe one day in the future we’ll figure out how to click.

Breathe in the Spring

So for the first time in probably a long while I'm actually going to post a happy blog!
Yes, that's right folks. Better see the miracle before it disappears!

Anyway, it's just that a lot of things seem to be falling into place for me. And it's about --damn time! I got accepted into the Academy of Art MFA program for Motion Pictures & Television. The head of the dept. actually said he really liked my portfolio! which was nice to hear. I'm already registered for classes and working under the assumption that I'll be attending there, while I send in my application to the National Film and Television School in England and hear what they say. Their deadline is May 14 so I'm hoping I'll hear back by at least the end of June. Keep your fingers crossed for me! If by some miracle (I feel I have less than 40% chance) they accept me, I'll be going there. Either way I think I'll love where I end up!

So I guess it's just nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. Either way, I'll be in school by Jan 2010. And that just makes life a little more tolerable!

Plus spring is almost finally here. The days are much longer and that always makes me so much more happy. Plus, since I'm not allowed to claim overtime or comp time at work anymore, I've been going to Panera every morning an hour or more before work to just drink tea, watch the sun rise, and read. I still avoid heavy traffic, but now I get to relax between!

I'm also getting things finally realized in terms of relationships. I'm finally resolved with the whole L thing, mostly prompted by the fact that the amazing G is in his life. I finally realized I shouldn't be doing certain things with EG because, while good intentioned, it really is too forced and it's not healthy or beneficial to our friendship. GD and I are talking again, and now we're simply friends, and it's simply wonderful. My dad seems to be doing a lot better, seeing as he is a lot more able to help me out financially. My brother seems happier and I really feel the longer I'm away from the house, the happier he gets. Which is fine with me. E and R are getting married, and I'm super happy for them. I'm finally at peace with the fact that she is a lot more suited for him than I can ever be. And I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize really what it is I want out of a relationship. Mostly, what I should expect from the other person. I've been shortchanging myself for so long! Too long. And it's not that I'm going to be more picky, it's that I'm not going to waste my time chasing things that I've delusioned myself into believing are actually there anymore. It's so liberating to know!!

And as silly as it may sound, reading about Fred Astaire's life is inspiring. He's actually refueled the fire of my ambition and my want to succeed and truly attain what I want out of life. He worked so hard and so tirelessly. He did it for himself and not anybody else, but he was at the same time gracious with most people he met. He constantly broke the mold, trying new things, but he wasn't even conscious of it. He was so opposite of vain or self-important. I can only hope to have that much energy throughout life and to have the strength to keep pummeling on, even when times are tough! To not be afraid to try new things, even if others might think them strange. To do what it is that I love and not settle or accept anything less.

So there you go. A pretty big snippet of what's been going on in my head lately.
Life is looking up, people, and I can't wait to show the world what I got!