Unwanted dreams that make me breathe for you

So. For the second time in I think a month, I dreamt about you.

I woke up from the first with a bittersweet feeling. You were smiling and happy to see me, and so I knew it wasn’t real. Because as much as I’d like you to be that way with me, you aren’t, and might never be.

This morning I dreamt that we tried again. It’s the first time I’ve dreamt something like that in probably over a year. We were interrupted of course, but that didn’t make me want to stop. And even though it was only a dream, it still surprised me that I was so fervent. It was so…nice. I felt wonderful. And happy. Fulfilled like never before. What the hell? What does it mean?? Should I take it literally? Does it just mean that I miss you? Does it have anything to do with you at all? Well, my dreams have never really left much up to the imagination, ironically enough. What connection is my subconscious holding on to? It doesn’t work between us. As often as we’ve tried. Something just doesn’t quite click together. And yet it seems subconsciously I still very much want it to. It’s frustrating! Yea, I miss you. No, I’m not gonna bother you. I’m not gonna make the same mistake by calling you up and making it feel like I’m using you, as much as that is NOT my intention. This time I’m going to leave you alone.

You wanna know something funny? You’re about the only person left I feel really self-conscious around. Confidence just pfft goes out the window as soon as I see you. I never know quite how to be with you. Which is I guess why I keep failing at it. And keep trying. I’m so stubborn. I hate not getting something right. Or even less, not being good at it. I’ve apologized to you before, and I keep wanting to. Though I suppose it’s pointless. I guess I just don’t know what else to say. I work off so much of what other people want. Doing what makes them happy and comfortable. Because that makes me happy. I’m so uncertain with you because I have no idea what you want. I do know that you’re unhappy. Unsatisfied with your life as a whole. I can’t fix it. Hell, I can’t even help. And therefore I feel helpless. I wish there was something I could do for you. Anything to help. But maybe the best way to help is to leave you alone.

I’m sorry. I wish that these dreams would stop so I wouldn’t keep having the urge to bother you. I wish you happiness. And satisfaction with your life. Maybe one day in the future we’ll figure out how to click.