You. Have you become a friend that I just can’t quite let go or an obsession? Your image surrounds me and is a daily reminder of how we lost what we had. I thought it was too good to leave behind but now I look back and wonder how much you even contributed then. I had so many lazy friends. The ones closest to me seemed to be the best at it. Ones that would take my phone calls, meet me when I wanted to be with them or just didn’t want to be alone, and would listen if I happened to be the only one in the room. But I think that’s very unfair. It seems that the kinds of best-friendships I want are those that resemble that of lovers. So…are you not trying hard enough or am I expecting way too much? That’s the question. One day I think that all you care about is her and she’s the only one that deserves your attention and to be appeased, while other days I think that because you work 15 hours every day during the week, you don’t have the energy to focus on anything but her. And I can understand that. But it doesn’t hurt any less.
Every time I think about you just a little too long and a little too deeply, my heart actually aches. I’m convinced there are liters of tears behind my eyes still needed to be cried over you. And the funny thing is that every time I’ve brought it up with you you’ve been nothing but reassuring…so is it all in my head? This growing distance between us? Is it only because, that instead of meeting up with you once a week like I had naively thought possible half a year ago, that now it’s a miracle if we even talk once a month? I think part of what I’m tired of is this feeling that you’re ashamed of me. You can’t mention anything about me to her or she’ll blow up, I can’t see you at work because you’re not sure if it’s ok. This quiet disappointment may not be as violent as an explosion of words, but what you don’t understand is that the raging torrent is within my mind. I’m just trying to keep alive this dying flame that used to be so strong. I love you. I love you so much. And it hurts just as equally. Does it hurt you at all? Do you ever think back to all the memories? The 4 years?? That’s part of what makes me so angry. I knew you first goddamit. I’ve known you twice as long. But because we’re not sleeping together I’m twice as easy to forget. Guess that comes with the territory of being friends with mostly men. Auughh. What makes it worse is that every time I talk to you on the phone I feel crazy for being upset with you at all. You’re so reassuring I doubt myself. Which I haven’t realized until now is a form of manipulation. But I don’t think you even mean it. It’s just been this defense you’ve gotten used to using with people you love to supposedly keep them happy.
And now you may’ve lied over some STUPID facebook issue. I mean, if you’re going to lie to me about something for the first time since we’ve known eachother…WHY SOMETHING ON FACEBOOK? It’s ridiculous. And you TOLD me you’d be better about dealing with it. How’m I supposed to trust you if you start lying to me? We don’t SEE eachother enough now for me to be a threat. That’s another thing. You told me almost a year ago that you didn’t care for me more than a friend. And yet you lie to her about me. Is it really only because she is convinced I’ll steal you away if you and I are in the same room together? Or is there something more? Do you, somewhere way, way back in your mind, think that maybe something could happen between us? I mean, we were in a loving relationship. The only difference between what you have with her and what you have with me is sex. I’d rather have the fact that you’ve always felt you could be completely honest with me and not her. Yet she’s the one you’re in love with. I love you, which means, as much as it may pain me, that no matter what you do or who you do it with, I want you to be happy, even if it means you’re 3,000 miles away or we don’t speak to each other for months at a time. I want for you to be safe and healthy, preferably all three at once! I know you don’t want to do the long-distance thing anymore but you’re pretty much still doing it! The only difference now is that you’re completely exhausted from commuting 6 hours a day and working 10 or 11 more. How is your body, let alone your mind, dealing with that??
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