Ok, this sucks.
Let's recap shall we?
I've gained 40lbs over the last 2 years. I work 50+ hours a week. I want to sleep all. the time. I drive everywhere, which means I don't walk anywhere. I eat out at least 4 times a week. I don't have the time, energy, or money that I really need and WANT to devote to any kind of artwork. Or to exercise. Oh yea. And I'm single. Woo!
I don't hang out with nearly as many people as I did at MICA and when my best friend decides he wants to hang out with me we see each other about once a month if we're lucky. My self-confidence is shattered. I feel like my life is stagnant and very often I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm trapped and I want to hyperventilate and hide in bed.
I want to completely change my life around but don't know how. I'd love to dance/ do yoga every day, work no more than 4-6 hours a day and make more than enough to live on, live generally a lot healthier than I do now and therefore just be a lot happier. But I feel like that's an unrealistic dream.
Speaking of being unrealistic.
I am so. starved. for touch. Not sexually. Not romantically. I actually don't think I'd be very good in a relationship right now. But god do I just want touch! A hug here or there, a hand on my shoulder, linking arms, I'm not picky! Apparently what I didn't realize is that when you "become an adult" the only people you're allowed to touch are your lovers. At least if you don't want them freaking out or wondering if you wanna get into their pants. That's so frustrating! I'm such a touch oriented person! It makes me want to cry! And no one seems to really get it. I talk about how I don't feel like I can be myself anymore. That what I've come to believe is that part of being an adult is just slowly going numb and restricting every innocent/happy/outgoing/loving urge until I basically shut down. And what I've been told is that this is not not being myself but just growing up. Well then fuck I don't want to be an adult thankyouverymuch! I mean ew! No wonder we have a horrible time staying faithful. How much pressure is it to have your lover being the ONLY person you're allowed to touch/open up to/be yourself with/make yourself vulnerable to? Gahh! And no one else I have talked to about this seems to agree with me. They all think that once a really close friend of mine gets into a relationship I shouldn't get upset that all of a sudden they don't want to spend nearly as much time with me or that I'm not allowed to even put my hand on their arm. No one seems to believe me but I am not going to do that. I don't even know if people would even appreciate the effort, but I swear to you I will make damn sure that when I get into a relationship and fall in love, I won't abandon my friends or change how I am with them. And if anybody has a problem with it, they can suck it.
And then there's my best friend. Am I in love with him? who knows. Am I afraid that we'll slowly grow apart and not see each other anywhere? definitely. I care about him so much, I just don't want to lose him. Yet because I'm so afraid that that will happen I feel like I'm pushing him away. I'm soooo self-conscious around him now. I don't need to be I know that! I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I've never been like this with him before. I can't help it, it's just what happens! I have no clue if he notices it or that if he does if it freaks him out. I've finally realized (though I want to fight it all the way) that he's just not interested in me that way. and probably never was. I mean it flabbergasts me, but I guess it happens. But that's not even that important. I just really really want to stay as close to him as I can for as long as I can. Ideally I'd want us to be a part of each other's lives for the rest of our lives. I just hope he wants the same thing. Or at least isn't horrified at the idea. I almost wish I'd find someone else to date so I can finally relax around him and he doesn't need to worry about my feelings for him (which he is fully aware of 'cause I've told him. twice.) I'm so afraid that he'll just freak out, get fed up with me, and then ask that I leave him alone. Why am I so afraid that will happen? Ahhh. I don't understaaaand. Why did I have to "fall in love" with him? Why did I tell him?? If that didn't happen, we'd be fine. I could still be completely myself with him and we'd both be completely relaxed. I mean, he's my person. For 5 years he's been the one person I could be completely myself around. And he felt the same way. And we've been best friends for so long we have little niches. Little habits we fall into when we hang out. And I absolutely love it. Which makes me more afraid to lose it.
Uugghh I really need to stop being such a girl. And stop overthinking it. But when you're at work all day there's nothing else to think about but life.
Speaking of which, I should probably start doing some work. Please, do me a favor and leave some thoughts. I'd love to know if anyone out in the ether can relate.
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